Nobody can drive in the rain

“Nobody knows how to drive in the rain”.

Everybody says it.

Sometimes when I say it there are a few expletives thrown in there for extra emphasis.

So if we all say it, who are the a-holes that keep making us shake our fists, honk our horns or flip the bird?

Today while at work I was on rain watch because when it rains in Orange County apparently every thing else  stops, well at least in terms of crime. I was supposed to be on crime watch but there was little crime to report before my dinner break.

I watched as there were more than a dozen accidents on the freeways in a matter of three hours.

Holy crap. I don’t even get it.

It’s as if water starts pouring down and we all turn in to first-time drivers who are completely unaware of our surroundings.

So… full disclosure… I have been in four accidents. Before you judge me let me say NONE  have been in the rain. I take this to mean I am an excellent driver in the rain so I am totally qualified to give advice on the matter.

I realize this is not sound logic.

So here are my tips for driving  in the rain:

1. Slow is not better. Making a lane change that takes 30 seconds to complete does not make you safer. It makes you annoying and in the way.

2. Brakes should be used with ease. Here is how it works: your car will automatically slow if you take your foot OFF the gas. There is no need to start pumping your breaks all over the place like a freak just because there’s water on the ground. In fact, this is a terrible idea. Brake like a normal human being.

3. Get off my butt. Tailgaters just annoy me period but even more so in the rain. All I need is for some D.B. to not stop in time and slide right up my bumper. For everyone’s safety, leave an extra couple car lengths between you and the car in front of you. I promise the 2.3 seconds you’ll make it to your exit faster are entirely not worth it.

4. Oh my God, go faster. I’m not saying speed I’m just saying 25 mph on the freeway is never a good idea. You become a sitting road hazard when you’re driving considerably slower than everyone else so pick up the pace!

5. If you hit a puddle and start to hydroplane for goodness sakes do NOT pull on your wheel and slam on your brakes. In the words of Nacho Libre, “Take it eeeeaassy”. Foot of the gas, hands relaxed. Let your car freak out for a split second and then regain control. That slam and yank move will only get you in trouble.  You and the other unsuspecting drivers who actually know how to drive when it’s wet out.

6. Pick a lane. I realize when things get all splishy-splashy out there sometimes those lane lines are hard to see but if I see one more person driving along straddling two lanes as if it’s the norm, I might hit them purposely just to snap them out of their stupidity. It’s unreal how many times I’ve seen this, seriously. Stay within the lines and if you’re really confused, all the cars in front of you are good indicators of where those lanes are.

In all fairness and since I really have no business giving driving tips considering my four crashes on dry land (which were totally NOT my fault, by the way), here are some real rules. Although, after reading through these I have to say some of mine are pretty close. Also, mine are more fun to read.

Safe travels!


One thought on “Nobody can drive in the rain

  1. Jaimee!! You totally crack me up! We are heading home from Vegas right now.. Drove thru super gusty winds, hail, snow, and walls of water. After all these weather changes within 2 hours I had to let my friend drive because you described the driving situation to a T… After my tense, stressed, freaked the eff out driving… Your post was comforting bc you would have ripped me a new one if you were in the car with me or behind me LMAO! Love u

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